Contentment in His will

Today I was able to stay home and rest, which is what my body needed. The ultrasound went well, found out that there is a small "growth" about 1 cm big. They do not call it a cyst until it is 2 cm big, therefore it is not technically a cyst, but could grow into one. Yesterday I was searching for a daily devotional, well God is good in His amazing ways. On my way home from the hospital I stopped by the church to see if they still had any of the monthly devotionals for women called Journey. It being the middle of August I was sure they wouldn't have any left, but I stopped by and checked anyways. Well, they had a few left, Praise God!!!! I picked one up, put it in my purse and then forgot about it until just a few minutes ago. These devotionals are short and sweet, but get right to the point.

Today's was titled "Surrendered and Single"....those of you who know me well, know I struggle daily living with the strong desire to be a wife and a mother. I feel there is no great gift God can give a woman than to be a mother. When you become a mother, God is entrusting you with a most precious job, to care for one of his children and raise them by his word. Well, I will be 31 in 2 1/2 weeks and no prospect in sight for a boyfriend, but I get up each day, put a smile on my face and move forward with the day. I always get the usual responses...."God maybe working on the guy so he will be ready for you"......"when you are least expecting it, he will show up"......"God works in his time, not yours"....and on and on and on. I know everyone means well, but it is exhausting living this life. The one thing that really separates me from my siblings and I feel is the reason I don't get to spend as much time with them, is the fact that I am single. I have always been in a different part of life from them, therefore always separated by something from them. I love my sister more than anything and today she sent me an e-mail about a song that she had heard. She said it would make a great wedding song. I thought out loud "does she know something I don't know" then I thought, no she just desires for me to be married about as much as I desire it.

Anyways, today's lesson was about being single, longing to be a wife and mom and all the time getting older while the possibility of marriage and motherhood seems to be slipping away. As I read today's lesson I just started crying. Sat here and cried so hard because finally I read something that made sense to me. I read something that I could relate to and I could feel in my heart. Now comes the part that I need prayer for. In the story Diane turns to her friend Teresa for comfort. Teresa tells her the following "I understand, I wrestled a long time with that too. Finally, I asked God to give me whatever life would best serve His purposes for me and to help me be content with His will." (Journey, August 2009). Now I know I have to find a way to ask God for this, but I also know that if I am not at peace with any decision, I won't stick to it or really mean it. I so long to be held, loved, adored and wanted. Then I think of the song by Tenth Avenue North called By Your Side. "Why are you looking for love, Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough...." Wow, how I know I have hurt God's feelings. Why am I looking for love, why am I longing for love? Isn't the love of Christ more than enough? No man will ever love me as much as my Lord and Savior and yet I still long for the love of a man.

Today's reading also says "Being single when marriage is desired can become a consuming disappointment, and it requires a huge step of faith to surrender that desire to God...." (Journey, August 2009). Not only is it going to be a huge step of faith, it is going to be a daily struggle, daily battle to surrender that to God. I have always been told God knows the desires of your heart and he will give you the desires of your heart. I have also been told "If being a wife and mom was not in God's plan for my life he wouldn't have placed those desires in my heart."

Today, again, proves to me that God's timing is all too perfect. This morning I didn't have the August Journey and didn't even think about stopping by the church until I was passing the church on my way home. I get it only to find out that the very lesson I was to read was this lesson and it was about the exact thing I am struggling with at this very moment. AMAZING!!!!

I am loving this journey so far and look forward to what God has in store for my life. Everyday is a blessing to just wake up and get the chance to serve my Lord and Savior and the chance to try once again to get better at my walk with Him.

Blessings to all, Feather